Chipmunk Pride

Ah....the post-op update. Yesterday was my wisdom tooth extraction surgery, exciting no? I was online yesterday, and wanted to post, but according to a few of the friends I was talking to on Yahoo Messenger, I wasn't exactly coherent, although it was apparently quite amusing. I was pretty drugged, and I can't really recall the content of the conversations.

Anyhow, feeling a bit better today. Still drugged, but not out of my head like previously. The pain is not as bad as I expected it to be, although without the Vicodin, I think I would not be saying such things.

I look odd though. I'm starting to bruise around my cheeks. I look like a cross between a domestic violence victim, and someone having a violent allergic reaction to shellfish. It's hot!

Well, now I'm off to get back to my endless supply of movies and pureed cuisine. Woo-hoo!

A Response To "Chef Boy Ar Dee"

Maybe the catch is just that sometimes, this girl prefers Spaghetti-O's to Foie Gras Pizza.

Stressful Sleep

Last night, I had the strangest dreams....nightmares to be more specific. I went to bed upset and worried about something last night (see previous post), and I think that is probably why it happened.

It seems that I so rarely dream, or at least I rarely remember dreaming, since apparently every person dreams during their REM episodes. But every once in a while, I have these vivid nightmares, that are so detailed that they become almost tangible, and it is difficult to separate reality from the subconscious. Last night was one of those times.

I actually woke up shaking; I'm still pretty shaken over it. I guess because it wasn't fantasy-type situations I dreamed, but realistic ones. That made it so much more disturbing. And now I can't get these images out of my head.

Decaying Patience

The last couple of weeks, i've been feeling a little strange and run down. It seemed odd, because up until that point, I'd felt fantastic and had tons of energy. I was just a little puzzled why I was so tired all of a sudden, and why nothing seemed to perk me up.

Well today I figured it out. One of my lower wisdom teeth has been pushing through, and I just discovered that it is abcessed. This helped explain a lot of weird things I'd noticed lately. Like the fact that my jaw problem has been acting up and hurting me so much recently (on the side where I discovered the abcess), and why I've been noticing this strange taste in my mouth. I'm just hoping not too much of the poison has drained into my system.

Anyway, it is right at the end of the semester, only a few weeks to go until finals, but it looks like I might have to get surgery now to remove my wisdom teeth. This will be the second year in a row that I'll have to undergo oral surgery; last year at this time, I had to have my tonsils removed. I just know that I'm gonna have my face swell up to the point where I look like an obese chipmunk.

And since the teeth are impacted, i'll probably have to to be put under. And I'm one of those people that reacts poorly to anesthetic. Somewhat violently, in fact. After I woke up from the surgery last year, they had to heavily sedate me because I was frantic and trying to rip out the breathing tube. Fun!!

So I have to call and get in to see my dentist tomorrow to take care of this ASAP. Until then, I was given the advice to avoid solid foods as much as possible, and no kissing until the problem is solved. Life is so fantastic.......

Night Owl

Last night, I went out, and did not get home until around 4 in the morning. I had work at 8am, so I had to be up by 7am in order to get ready and make it on time. I managed about 2 hours of sleep.

My parents were in the area car shopping, so they brought me food, since I did not have time to grab anything and I'm not allowed to leave my job site on my shift. After they drop off the food, my mom tells me the lamest thing I have ever heard. She says "You can't go soaring with the eagles if you are always out hooting with the owls."

Please god let me have been adopted.....

Mission: Unpronounceable

Someone offered me something very dangerous a few days ago. I'm not sure he realized what he was getting himself into. But he gave his word and it is too late to back out now.

I was offered a trade: If I can pronounce this man's name correctly, he will give me anything I ask for. (Although to be nice, I told him that I would not ask for anything that would bankrupt him, or get him arrested or on the news. See....I'm a nice girl right?)

Only now I have to figure out how to pronounce this name. Asian names I can handle, Indian names too. My work has given me plenty of practice. Unfortunately, this name is Czech, and i'm thoroughly confused by the pronunciation. It is seeming like a total tongue twister. Sigh....

So I'm caught in my own version of a Rumplestiltzkin story. And I only get one chance to get the name right. So After I get out of class, I'm probably gonna head over to the foreign languages department and try to get some assistance in figuring this out.

Then all I'll have to worry about is figuring out what i'm gonna ask for.....

"Shit" Sigma

A few months ago, right before ATT Wireless officially merged with Cingular, I decided to renew my cell phone service contract, because they were offering to lower my already low rates as incentive to stay on. I was actually excited about this, because it meant I got to pick out a new phone.

I decided on a Motorola V180. It looked good enough, and the guy at the store swore by it, so I didn't see why not. And Motorola is supposed to be this great company anyway, with really well-made products. Their whole "Six Sigma" organization philosophy that is the current management buzz-word.

Six Sigma actually means that the company strives for no more than 3.4 defects per million. So that means that your chances of buying a defective Motorola product is supposed to be 3.4 in a million.

Well if you can't win the lottery, why not be one of the lucky few who purchases a plastic covered piece of dog shit masquerading as a cell phone? Yes, that's right, my phone is broken. It worked fantastically well for about 2 months. Then it obviously became possessed by some sort of technology gremlin that exists for the sole purpose of loosening my already tenuous grasp of sanity.

Last night it exhausted my patience to the extreme. It would not let me check my text messages, would not connect when I dialed my voice mail, and then would not hang up. It would not even turn off when I pressed the power button. So I'm gonna have to go in on Monday and get a new phone....and hopefully they will let me keep the demon one so I can get a little "Office Space fax machine scene" on its ass. Hmmm.....

Getting Over It

Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.
Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Northanger Abbey

You get so down sometimes when people disappoint you. You have this impression of someone, this image that they cultivated within you, and there is nothing worse than having that illusion crash down around your feet, and realizing that not even a glimmer of that good person you adored really existed. It was all just a lie to get something out of you.

So I felt hopeless yesterday. Because it was not the first time this has happened. And I hate giving someone credit and respect they do not deserve. Feeling things for someone and finding out that everything they showed me was just pretend, and not the real person. It just brought me really down.

Right when I was most upset, a random friend called me. He wanted to know how I was coming along on my paper, and wish me luck. Only he heard the hurt in my voice, and talked to me, and made me feel better. Then it was like a flood. More friends just show up, randomly wanting to talk, right when I most needed them, and at their own accord. I did not have to search them out, they were just there. And it was incredible.

How could I be upset, how could I hurt when I know that I have amazing friends that pull me through the way they do? I got a little perspective last night. I have no regrets about what happened...it taught me a lesson, that pain i suffered with this person will provide me the strength to strive for better and demand better. Because my friends show me that I deserve so much more. And that no matter what I encounter, I have genuine and wonderful people to share it with.

Personal Kryptonite

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

I perform so much better under pressure. When situations are hopeless, that is when I feel the most hope. I feel like a goddamn superhero sometimes. Considering the amount of pain and bullshit i've had handed down to me in my life, I should have given up a long time ago. But I pulled through it all stronger and wiser, with a big fat smile on my face.

So I don't get it. How come I can survive some of the most traumatic situations and handle it so well? But when it comes to the mundane typical trials and tribulations of life, I shut down? I don't know how to handle them.

It's like I need the fight. I need the enemy. I can't stand this passive struggle of surviving the ordinary. I need things to be more obvious and straightforward. Part of the beauty of life is the uncertainty and the grays, yet somehow my mind can only really deal with the black-and-white.

I guess I just need the adventure. I need the challenge. I want to don the cape and mask and kick ass. Somehow just getting through life is harder for me. The day-to-day living wears me down...makes me feel ordinary. Chekhov had it right. But ignorance is bliss...and in this case, I'm happier as an idiot.

The Perfect Woman

The girls that are wanted are good girls
Good from the heart to the lips
Pure as the lily is white and pure
From its heart to its sweet leaf tips.

The girls that are wanted are girls with hearts
They are wanted for mothers and wives
Wanted to cradle in loving arms
The strongest and frailest lives.

The clever, the witty, the brilliant girl
There are few who can understand
But, oh! For the wise, loving home girls
There's a constant, steady demand.

from "The Girls that are Wanted"
J.H. Gray, c. 1880

Sadly, not much has changed since the Victorian Age.

Living a Life of Distinction

I ran across this thing online today. The guy friend I mentioned before, the one who told me he loved me, had written something online concerning what had happened between us. He never mentioned my name, but I knew it was about me. He was writing on this forum topic about dealing with shitty friends, or something like that. And he wrote that he was used to one-sided friendships, and gave examples. One of the examples was me.

He said he had a friend for about two years, that he used to talk to every week, and how when he finally told her his true feelings for her, she just turned out to be like everyone else and blew him off, and that she never really cared about him.

When I first read this, I was so offended. How dare he? I was the one being used in this situation, I was on the shitty end of the one-sided friendship. How could he say I never cared about him? How is it that just because I did not want to be his girlfriend, that meant I was never really his friend? How dare he write me off like that?

But then perspective dawns on me... who the hell cares what he thinks? He obviously has proven he is a nobody in my life. He was never really in it, because I never knew who he really was. And so why should I beat myself up over what he thinks? Why waste time and energy on someone so meaningless?

I was talking to Jax last night, about people in our lives that hate us. Truly hate us. As in going so far as to intentionally make our lives miserable because their dislike and jealousy of us is so powerful. And how this is so funny. Pathetic and funny.

There is this quote i heard a long time ago, but I don't know who it originated from:

To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction.

When I don't like someone, when I have been terribly hurt by someone, my reaction is always the same. I get rid of them. I excise them from my life. I want absolutely nothing to do with them. It's what I did with Em, with CPS, with others. Why keep them around, why focus attention on them when all it does is bring you pain? So I walk away, and in doing so, it helps my feelings for them slowly disappear, and i am left with apathy.

It's so funny to me that these people who do not like me and want me to think I am unworthy prove to me my worth day after day by their constant effort and attention. If I am so unimportant then why do they bother with me? Because obviously, I am important. Important enough to keep thinking of, and keep dwelling on, and take time out of life to hurt.

And so I guess I wanted to say thanks. Because sometimes I forget what I'm worth. Sometimes I forget that I am important. But your attitude reminds me that my life is a life worthy of distinction. That I do make an impact on the world around me. That I'm not forgotten. And thanks also for showing me that I need to let go of that last little bit of you as well, because in still thinking about you, i give you importance. And I don't want to do that. So this is the last time. I said what I felt, and I'm ready to walk away.