Running Away

I feel like I need a change of scenery. Not just temporary, like a vacation. But a complete change. A whole life/environment/existence universal overhaul. I want to get out of San Jose, out of California, the country. I can't wait to be done with school and graduate. The wait is interminable. More and more, I keep thinking that i've gotta take that time off after school, before i move forward with other plans. I think maybe going to Switzerland for a year or so would work well to clear my head.

There is so much i'm not ready to leave behind, so much more that I just don't want to leave behind. But that's what has me thinking that it's time to move on. I just feel so shackled, so trapped. Everything is closing in on me and i feel so claustrophobic. I can't help thinking of what I will become if I stay here, and it scares me.

I've changed so much about myself, most especially recently. Inside and outside, i'm just not the same person anymore. I like who i've become...and i'm afraid of falling back into what I was. I see this potential in me to keep moving forward, to keep getting better, keep working to be what everyone always said I was capable of. But this little voice inside me is telling me it won't happen here. That if I stay here, i'll end up destroying everything i've been working so hard for, and falling right back in to the way things used to be.

I just don't know what to do. I'm at an impasse. I know in my heart what I need to do, and that its the right thing, but why does it feel so bad? If it is really the right thing, should it hurt to realize it? I just hate how I am sometimes. The one thing that would be the best thing for me, and yet I think of it as betraying the people I love. Why does my mind equate moving on with running away?